Nanny is gonna lose it!

Seems like I've been working for my current family longer than a year and 2 months. So much has happened in a short amount of time. Usually after the first year when they ask me if I'm interested in staying on my thought is of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I knew it wasn't a good sign when my thought was not IF I wanted to, but HOW I was going to because of my relationship with the parents. Of course it started off wonderful: Got to know the family, felt appreciated and all the other good stuff that goes along with starting a new job. But then things changed and I reached my limit. You know when you reach the point where communicating with the parents leaves you feeling like you would rather bang your head up against the wall until you pass out? Yeah, I was at that point recently. Funny thing is after feeling this way I always have beyond awesome moments with the kids. Seems like they somehow know I’m at my breaking point and are trying to remind me they love me and appreciate me even though their parents don’t have a clue.

For example: I took one of the kids to the movies the day after his mom had one of her “I’m-feeling-overwhelmed-as-a-parent-and-somehow-it’s-your-fault” hissy fits. I’m still feeling numb as I shuffle around in the dim light before the movie getting his snacks opened and getting him settled in and thoughts are racing through my head about what happened the day before. “Why does it seem like she is always upset with me? What am I gonna do? Should I stay? If I stay, something obviously has to change. Should I quit? If I quit, when should I give my notice? What do I mean if I quit? I have to quit! I’m so sick of dealing with this high-school like drama!” All of a sudden I feel a small hand on my back. It begins patting me gently and I hear a small voice say “I love you _____.” It took everything I had not to grab him up out of that chair, cover him with kisses and tell him how great he is and that I love him too. But I settled for giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and telling him that I love him too. I was glad the previews started at that moment because I needed to be able to wipe away my tears without him seeing.

Unfortunately that touching scene doesn’t take away all the frustrations I’ve had with his mom and dad. Have you ever heard the song “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park?
I have blasted it many times on my way home from work as I think about how the mom has talked to me. As they sing: “Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I’m about to break! I need a little room to breathe cause I’m one step closer to the edge and I’m about to break!” I think of how close I have come to telling her exactly what I think about her and her husband and how their life of chaos is their fault because they try to be their kids friends rather than their parents. I especially get excited when he is screaming “SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” because I can relate to the energy and anger in his voice. The mom doesn’t listen to me when I talk because she is to busy thinking about how she feels and what she wants to say. When she does happen to shut up long enough to hear a sentence or two, she takes my words and feelings and twists them to her advantage so she can have a reason to pick at me and be unhappy. It’s like once my words go through her filter they lose all meaning and she NEVER seems to understand where I’m coming from or what I meant in the first place. It’s sooooooooo frustrating when my well thought out words are shoved in a blender, put together and then presented, no thrown, back at me in a way that suits her. We never resolve anything either. I’m the kind of person who wants to lay everything out on the table when I feel like there is an underlying issue so we can get it cleared up and move on. They are the kind of people who want to act like everything is ok despite the fact that as soon as you bring up the issue war breaks out. So there are all these things in the back of my mind that have never been taken care of and they expect me to be happy when I come to work and talk to them as if nothing has happened. Well you know what? I’m not good at pretending! If something is bothering me it’s going to show up one way or another!

I think of the things she has said to me and it makes me want to go off! I just want to sit her down and say “You know what? I'm your nanny, not your punching bag. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your kids, work, financial problems or even your marriage; find a phone book and start searching for someone to talk to. Don’t take it out on me! And guess what? I'm your nanny, not your housecleaner. If you want a housecleaner, hire one! I'm more than willing to do the children's laundry, clean up after the kids and myself during the day and a few other household chores, but if you want deep stuff like your bathrooms cleaned, your floors mopped and your house dusted we need to change my job title and definitely increase my salary because I’m not getting paid enough as it is. I would be willing to do more for you and for quite awhile I was but guess what? You didn’t appreciate it!! Then when I bring to your attention that you always realize what I do wrong but you never acknowledge what I do right and that I don’t feel appreciated, you throw it back in my face saying all you hear from me is that you don’t appreciate me. First of all, that is the first time I have ever let you know I don’t feel appreciated and second, it’s true!!!! Have you ever thought about that?! If that’s the only thing I have said I’m unhappy with, perhaps you need to take a moment to tell me that you do appreciate me and everything I do.”

This would be where she would try to get a word in, but being as frustrated as I am, I wouldn’t allow it. I would just continue and say:

“And for crying out loud can you say “thank you” once in awhile? I have brought this to your attention before and all you said was “We will work on that” in a real non convincing tone. Those 2 words make me feel like gold and they are tax free! Say “thank you” after I spend nap time (instead of taking a much needed break) watering YOUR plants in the front yard, backyard and the ones on the deck without being asked. Say “thank you” when I bring your laundry up for you and put it nicely on your bed. Say “thank you” when I sweep YOUR master bed/bathroom, vacuum your carpet and take out your bathroom garbage. Say “thank you” when I go out of my way to prepare the guest room when you are expecting visitors. Say “thank you” when I strip and remake the guest bed and clean up the dying flowers after your company leaves. Say you appreciate it when I roll in the garbage cans on garbage day. Or here’s a thought: If saying “thank you” is too hard, how about you simply acknowledge the fact that I’m doing all these things, none of which are in the contract, without being asked from time to time? Now I don’t need to hear “thank you” or an acknowledgement every single stinkin’ time I do something. Like I said just hearing it once in awhile . . . . maybe like once every couple of months . . . . would make a huge difference. Is that to much to ask? It’s only when I feel like I’m running myself into the ground trying to please you do I start making a mental note of the things I do that go unnoticed.”

At this point I would need to take a moment to breathe because there is so much more!

“Guess what? It's not my fault the kids behave better for me than they do for you. Why does it seem like I get punished for that? I work hard to teach them how to behave appropriately and I thought you would be happy about that. Ohhhh and guess what? You are not guaranteed nor are you entitled to play time away from your kids. I didn’t realize the gift of a two night stay away for your anniversary would turn into something mandatory and actually get written into the contract. Wow! What nerve! And you know what? A nanny works in a different environment than your regular 9 to 5 office job. The way you talk to me is going to be different than how you talk to people at your job. You seem to pride yourself on being a great communicator at the office and therefore believe you know how to communicate with me. What you fail to realize is there is a difference between talking AT people and talking TO them. There is also a difference between telling people what to do all day and communicating what you would like to be done in your home. Speaking of which, guess what? I'm not a mind reader! Yeah I know that's quite surprising huh? If something is on your mind you're gonna have to hold your head up, part your lips, and actually say what you’re thinking otherwise I’m not going to know. For some reason you have made this thing up in your mind that if I really cared about you and your family’s needs I would somehow figure out and see what they are. Sorry to tell you but that’s yet another thing you need to change because it’s causing serious problems in our relationship!”

Yes, it would be nice to get all of these things off my chest. But in the end, does it really matter if I do? People are who they are right? She might hear a few things and attempt to take them in, but it has been my experience that with most families its an either you get it or you don’t kind of thing. Like any other relationship, there will be ups and downs, but it’s not supposed to be majority down and it shouldn’t be this hard. When people ask me how my job is going my response shouldn't always be "I love the kids and that's about it."

Facebook & MySpace

Do you have Facebook and/or MySpace? If so, does the family you work for know you’re on a social website? How would you feel if you knew they were looking you up online? Do you have anything on there you wouldn’t want them seeing? I think more often than not, employers are looking up their potential and current employees online. Mine found me on Facebook and she wanted to add me as a friend. Yeah, I don’t think so! I think there should be boundaries and that is definitely one. It's not that I have anything to hide, but my Facebook has my personal thoughts, pictures and friends on it. Why would I want my boss to be a part of that? What about you? Would you or do you have your employer on your friends list? If you have added your boss to your Facebook or MySpace, has it turned out to be a positive or negative experience? If you have denied your boss' friend request, did your relationship change as a result?

Introduction

I’ve been thinking about starting a nanny blog for awhile. Why? As a nanny of 12 years, I have talked to many nannies while out and about at the zoo, park, playdates, museums, etc. Seems like the same topics about the job come up on a regular basis so I thought why not have a place for nannies to come together to throw around ideas, share frustrations and get advice on commonly one of the most thankless jobs out there! As nannies we don’t have coworkers. We often work alone and having an outlet from time to time is very important, especially when dealing with a situation you are not happy with. I also hope this blog can also serve as a place for employers to see what kinds of things nannies like, dislike and chat about on a regular basis. More often than not, the #1 problem between a nanny and her employer is communication. Like any other relationship, there are many things that go unsaid and end up chipping away at what could be a great partnership. Most of the time it comes down to simply not knowing how to bring up certain things and other times nannies don’t say how they really feel because the employer makes it perfectly clear they are not concerned about how their nanny feels, only about the care of their children.

Why the title? I have certainly experienced both positives and negatives with being a nanny. The lasting relationships I have with the kids are most definitely the positives. The often emotional rollercoaster I’ve experienced in dealing with their parents are the negatives. That’s why the name “At least I like the kids” seems appropriate for my blog. It's in no way meant to be disrespectful to the parents or to imply I have never cared for any of the parents I have worked for. It simply seems appropriate because I have said those words more than once over the last 12 years. In fact most nannies have the thought cross their mind several times over the course of their nanny career depending on the type of family they are working with at the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had the chance to work with some great parents over the years who treated me well, knew how to communicate, respected the role I played in helping raise their children, and made sure I was decently compensated. But I’ve also worked with those who have only done one or two of those things and as a result it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

Did you notice the words underneath the title?
"Candid thoughts from a nanny's point of view"
I’m bringing this to your attention so it will come as no surprise when I am straightforward with what I have to say. I don’t expect everyone to agree with what I have to say because quite frankly I don’t always agree with what everybody says. You are welcome to question/challenge all posts made on my blog but bickering, name calling and all other immature behavior will not be tolerated and please watch your language at all times. It’s always good to have rules in an open forum. That way it’s clear as to what is expected and no one will be taken off guard if their inappropriate posts are removed.

Nannies: In order to respect your past or present employer’s privacy, please do not use their full name. I also recommend that you post anonymously to protect your privacy.

Employers and other passersby: While you are invited to read the blogs and respond to comments made, you will not be allowed to bash your nanny or the nannies who read and respond to this blog. If that’s the kind of thing you are into, please feel free to find another blog to post on or start your own.

I hope this blog becomes a helpful source to all it’s readers!